The Yorkie Bars are on me!

So much for the big clean up at Bur Dubai's notorious York Hotel a couple of years ago - it's clearly back to its full, swinging glory:

"Nowhere is more sickeningly emblematic of the country's seedy new underbelly than the bar at the downtown York International Hotel - a squalid cauldron that should shame any civilised society, let alone one so devoutly Islamic. As the overhead TVs show bloody, noholds barred fighting contests, and music throbs deafeningly, a veritable United Nations of prostitutes - Chinese, Ethiopian, Russian, Nigerian - barter their services."

Well, at least it's more evidence of Dubai's wonderful multiculturalism. Sex in every ethnic flavour.


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Heartbroken Hotels

Dubai hotel occupancy has reportedly plummeted this summer. Which is sad, because as any long-term sandlander knows, the best time in the Gulf is summer. It's a daily wrestling match with the searing white tiger of the Gulf sun amid blanket-thick humidity, while one enjoys the sight of newcomers and tourists wilting and collapsing all around. But the disappointing absence of the latter this year has led Kipp Report to wonder if the emirate has finally been "rumbled"?

"General opinion suggests the situation could be a combination of factors, some external - like the globally depressed economic scenario and higher cost of flights thanks to spiralling oil prices - but there is a nagging suspicion the city has been rumbled: strained infrastructure, choked roads, few transport options, ugly cranes and little to do beyond malls."

And as Kipp notes, Thomson Holidays - the top ranked UK travel agency website - only recommends one destination in the Middle East...

...Israel.


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Overheard at the Hiltonia

It's alright - emergency over - everyone can come out from their concrete bunkers and air raid shelters. Because that recent terror warning from the British Government turns out to be just a misheard chat between two drunk blokes in a pub:

A diplomatic source said the warning was issued based on a personal conversation between the two Arab men in the Hemingway bar in the Hiltonia Hotel in Abu Dhabi. The bar is frequented by hundreds of Britons and Americans.

One drunk man told the other in jest: "If someone wants to scare all these people and make them run away, just say there is a bomb. A belt bomb will kill hundreds of them."

The source said it is believed that Britons sitting near the men overheard the conversation and thought it was serious.

What a relief! Because as everyone knows, foreign governments routinely post overheard inebriated pub chatter as Official Terror Warnings. Thank god for the rapid propaganda amendments from the local UAE press to suppress sort everything out!

Meanwhile the high alert warning remains on the UK Foreign Office website. One would think they might consider amending their own website before tipping off Gulf News.


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UAE terror alert

So the sandlands are now on a "high risk" terror alert, but what does that really mean? Don't go to nightclubs? Avoid cinemas? Avoid fellow infidels? Don't go to church?

BBC Security correspondent Frank Gardner quotes British officials as saying the information comes from a number of sensitive sources and they are working hard with the Emirati authorities to address it.

"There is a high threat from terrorism," an official travel advice notice for the country said. "We believe terrorists may be planning to carry out attacks in the UAE."

The threat of terror has always been a large sinister bear in the woodshed for Dubai's growing tourism industry. The challenge faced by the Dishdashes-That-Be is how to keep up the safe image while not being seen to misinform the public or create disproportionate fear.

Traditionally terror threats in Dubai are met with media blackouts. Anyone remember the possible attempt on a church in Karama in 2005? It took place the same night this deadly bomb went off at a hall in Qatar, amid threats by some splinter terror group that they were targeting churches. We'll never know if there was a genuine attempt in Dubai: chances were it could have been a drunken driver careering badly onto the pavement nearby. Everything was cleared up, hushed up and blotted out.

We can only hope that these shadowy threats remain potential, and that the so far extremely effective UAE anti-terror authorities continue their good work. It is significant that there has been no major incident in the UAE in the past years, while regionally and internationally there have been continued Qaeda-inpsired murders of innocents.

Londoners got straight back on the tube after the attacks there. And that is what sandlanders must do, in their own fashion. The minute one starts living in fear and restricting ones own freedoms, then the extremists have already won.


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iPhone iMoan

Unsurprisingly, since it didn't get the first model nor is there even an official Apple presence here, the UAE is not getting the 3G iPhone. More surprisingly, in fact absolutely absurd to the point of wanting to gouge ones own brain out with a rusty spork after reading it, is the TRA's claim that it is rejecting the iPhone, rather than Steve Jobs not giving the first toss about them (or probably even knowing the UAE exists):

Dubai: The iPhone will not see an official UAE launch as long as it wants to be made available through one telecom operator exclusively, an official at the Telecoms Regulatory Authority has said.

An exclusivity contract for the iPhone that etisalat was seeking has been rejected by the TRA, Gulf News has learned.

The spokesperson for the TRA, Rasheed Joumblatt, refused to confirm this but warned that all exclusivity contracts will be rejected "regardless of which operator applies".

Yes, it's the admirable Rasheed Joumblatt, that melodious mouthpiece-of-Al Ghanem who was educated at the American University but just can't get his head around the concept of freedom of speech. Or simple facts. Or the truth. A reality check for Mr Joumblatt:

1. Apple is not insisting on single operator exclusivity contracts. In many counties it is offered through multiple operators.

2. The UAE had one of the worst monopoly telco sectors in the world. It now has a duopoly so monopolistic in nature that it may as well be a conjoined twin. Both du and etishite are owned and misrun by the Federal government.

But hey, at least one person is thrilled by Mr Joumblatt's valiant stance - Aboud from Abu Dhabi: "Bravo UAE for not agreeing to Apple's terms."


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Burj base jumper

This has to be the best two grand ever spent:

Dubai: A British skydiver who jumped off Burj Dubai's 150th floor with a parachute strapped to his back has been fined Dh2,000.

Meanwhile, a French skydiver was slapped a similar fine after the security guards stopped him at the 24th floor before he reached Burj Dubai's rooftop and jumped with a parachute.

Punters would probably stump up twice that for a legal dive off the Deathspire. And this guy holds the crown of being the first to base the Burj - for just 2k.

Certainly a new and lucrative angle for DTCM to explore.


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Dubai Transvestite City

Located on The World's Isle of Lesbos, Dubai Transvestite City will be a mecca for cross-dressers, drag queens and assorted trannies, safely away from the somewhat less than enlightened eye of Dubai Police chief Lt Gen Dahi Khalfan Tamim:

"Dubai Police have made up their mind to tackle this problem strictly. Any man who dresses up and behaves like a woman in public or vice versa will be legally questioned and legal action will be taken against him," Dahi said.

What is to blame for this huge surge in "indecent" behaviour? Lt Gen Tamim blames coeducation: "I think studying in a mixed environment is the reason behind the increase in this problem. " Just last week, two ladies of lesbian persuasion were herded into Al Slammer for alleged fairy-flossing on a public beach:

Dubai: Two women who were standing trial for kissing and cuddling on a public beach have been sentenced to one a month prison term followed by deportation.

The women, a 30-year-old Lebanese visitor and 36-year-old Bulgarian employee, had pleaded not guilty to kissing, cuddling and sleeping on each other like a married couple before the Dubai Court of Misdemeanour.

No wonder Time Out Dubai doesn't have the gay entertainment section featured in other world editions of the magazine. The sad thing is that at least where transgender people are concerned, other supposedly more zealously Islamic nations such as Iran are far more tolerant than the UAE. In Iran it is actually possible to get transgender surgery and be fully recognised with an amended birth certificate and passport - more progressive in fact than many western nations.

Anyway the upshot is that anyone of non straight married monogamous vanilla persuasion is best off avoiding Dubai, unless the thrill of being able to do something "illicit" (but boringly legal in their own country) is some kind of draw. And the thrilling prospect of a longer, paid holiday at the UAE government's very own seven star Al Wathba hotel.


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"Beware Benidorm"

Most tourists are initially blown away by Dubai and the veneer of glitz and opulence that "seven star" hotels, extensive service (cheap third world labour) and various world-first-megaprojects are able to supply. But The Economist has a warning for developing countries hoping to grab the tourism dollar. They note the example of Spain, which ravaged much of its beautiful Mediterranean coastline into a concrete hell:

"The question planners in these new markets should ask themselves is where they want tourism in their country to be in 20 years. At the moment tourists from emerging markets have their own tastes. Russians like two weeks on a sunny beach, wild parties and lots of retail therapy. The Chinese prefer urban travel to sea and sand. People from the Gulf states travel in big families and require halal food. Yet, with the progress of economic prosperity they will probably become more like Europeans and Americans, who want scenery, a decent environment and a smattering of history and culture. If you destroy your heritage and scenery, you will come to regret it."

The issue with a tourism-based economy is that it depends on mass tourism, and critically, repeat mass tourism. So who is likely to come to Dubai, and who is likely to keep coming? As a speculation:

Annual visitors: regional Arabs, property owners, families of expats, European "Benidorm" demographic

One-off/occasionals: wealthy subcons, friends of expats, more discerning Europeans, rich Chinese, rich Africans, Russians

Won't come: poorer subcons (ie the vast majority), poorer Chinese (ditto), poorer Africans (ditto), Americans, Israelis

As well as this, Dubai faces several major tests:

1. Ramadan 2008+
From this year, Ramadan starts to coincide with European school holidays. That means a massive overhaul of food-in-public laws are needed. No way will places like Dubailand be able to ban food from dawn till dusk; it seems increasingly unlikely that popular tourist-frequented malls such as Mall of the Emirates will either. And curtained cafes won't suffice: children will need to be able to walk around eating ice creams in broad daylight if they so wish. And booze will need to be on sale at every hotel all day long. If you want the mass tourism dollar, this is how you must prostitute your culture. Mass tourists smoke, drink, shag and often behave offensively. You can't expect them to behave like a coach load of trappist nuns if you want their money.

2. Rising costs
Soaring food and oil costs are hurting people worldwide. Dubai is a long haul destination for pretty much everyone: it is always going to be more expensive to sun-sand-sea in the UAE than in Spain if you're European, Goa if you're Indian, the Gold Coast if you're Australian, and so on. With so many destinations all over the world, cost will start to become a more critical factor than convenience and familiarity.

3. Competition
Specifically regional competition. What you get in Dubai is pretty much identical to what you get in Doha or Abu Dhabi: the same "seven star" hotels, the same perma-sunny weather, the same "tax free" shopping, the same mega malls and world-first developments. Dubai currently has an edge, but this may not always be the case.


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